In light of the recent accusation by former drummer Kimberly Thompson that Beyoncé might be a witch, I find that there may be some possible validity in these claims. Let’s investigate.
If you worship Beysus as much as me, then you probably stay updated on the latest tea. In this case, that means that you’ve most likely gotten wind that Yoncé may or may not be a witch. As it stands, former drummer Kimberly Thompson has filed a restraining order against Queen Bey that claims Beyoncé practices “extreme witchcraft” and has used this supernatural abilities to sabotage Thompson’s career, as well as claiming that there were spells of molestation cast upon her. And … I mean … I’m not gonna lie to you, toots; I believe it.
How can one human be so talented? So revolutionary? So ahead of the curve without sacrificing kittens in the name of Satan (another claim by Thompson)? Well, she must be a witch; right? I will confess: there have been a few times that I myself have questioned her otherworldly powers. So let’s cut to the [feeling] chase and dive right into it all. Here is my rather convincing list of 5 times Beyoncé proved that she is definitely and irrefutably a witch.
1. The Last Hairbender
Remember when Beyoncé used her mind (ugh) to make her hair magically do choreography? This is clearly an exhibition of levitation. You can’t tell me this snatched-by-the-gods braid is being controlled by wires. “It’s levioh-yes-Mama-sa, not leviosa.” Light as a feather, stiff as a surfbort. Am I right? Or am I right?
2. Queen Supreme
The “Formation” music video accompaniment to the song from Beyoncé’s album Lemonade is a 21st century cinematic masterpiece and I will fight you on that if you disagree. In the iconic video, Beyoncé poses with her very own coven of witches in sickening witch garb that would have Ryan Murphy himself shaking in his last season Prada shoes. And that headbob action going on? Honey Bey is for sure doing some kind of witch’s dance that only fellow witches know about. Stop interruptin’ her grindin’, mere mortal! Your fave could n-e-v-e-r. Need more proof?
3. Beyoncé Knowles and the Goblet of FIRED
A strong witch gets what she asks for the first time; and if you don’t heed her commands, you will suffer at the hands of her almighty powers. Published in 2010 is a video of Sasha Fierce herself performing her hypnotic and hyperbolic incantation “Diva”. At the 45 second mark of the video, she demands that the lights for her performance be lit up. The light person fails to do so, then Bey shouts, “Somebody’s getting fired!” To make a long story short, the trifling light person who failed to do their job ended up getting fired (allegedly). Did she predict the future? Is she clairvoyant too? WOW! Can you believe?
4. Single Lady in the Water
Only the strongest witches can harness the power to control and move water. Bey always uses water imagery in her videos and live performances (she is a Virgo, after all). Remember that Japanese Crystal Geyser commercial from 2009 in which Beyoncé is controlling the water around her with her super witch powers and it totally wasn’t CGI? Honestly, she’s been letting us have it for years with actual proof that she is 100% a witch.
5. Sisters of the Moon
On May 20th 2001 (my 9th birthday FYI), Destiny’s Child released their legendary chart topping sound-spell “Bootylicious” (which I totally had on Hit Clips). You are a liar if you said this song doesn’t slap. The basis of the song’s production comes from a sample of the 1982 classic “Edge of Seventeen” written by The Ultimate White Witch herself, Ms. Stevie Fucking Nicks.
Hmm … I wonder whose idea it was to use a prominent sample of a fellow witch’s song …? Beyoncé is not afraid to reference, sweetie. And get ready for this jelly: The White Witch even appears in the music video for “Bootylicious”. So, if you’re not convinced Mama B is a witch yet, then you’ve got a big storm comin’.
There you have it folks; and bow down witches. The Supreme Queen Bey is here to remind every single one of you that she is a force to be reckoned with. She has showcased her abilities for years and guess what? She ain’t sorry! Boy, bye. And to Kimberly Thompson: Good luck with that restraining order. Make sure to sprinkle sea salt around your home and smudge yourself with sage to keep evil spirits at bay.
Or should I say, “at bey”?